Okay, before we start, did you go to beardathon.com and pledge my beard? No? What's keeping you, sport? Looking this good is not cheap. Click yourself on over there and get it done. I'll wait.
Now that we got that out of the way, I have a small crisis. The beard is coming in very well and intimidating, just the way a playoff beard should look. In fact, I keep hearing a small voice saying something like, "That's One Sweet Playoff Beard" but I can't tell where the voice is coming from. My problem is that the color passed gray and went straight to white. The young(er) people at work say it looks "distinguished," which is young people speak for "Damn, man, you look old!" They're probably right. I'm ancient by Army standards. Many of the soldiers I work with weren't even born when I joined the Army and, of course, I hate them for that. No, seriously, I do.
Just kidding, soldiers! We're brothers in arms, standing strong against the darkness and all that. I learned a long time ago not to make fun of people with extensive weapons training. A friend calls our way of life Diplomacy Through Superior Firepower. Works for me.
So, back to the beard. It is seriously white and I have to wonder: Do I go all Emmitt Smith and use that cheesy coloring or leave it be? It's not like I need to impress the ladies. (Sorry, ladies. I know it's a disappointment but, after thirty years, the only thing likely to end my marriage is my refusal to shave. Oh, wait...) In the end, I will probably leave it au naturale, which is French for "That crap is super expensive and would make my beard feel like steel wool." Or something like that. I might have muffed the translation a bit.
Even my boss is getting used to the beard. He only tells me it looks ridiculous a couple times a day now, but I figure he's just grousing because his team got knocked out of the playoffs. Did I mention they lost in a horrible, history making collapse? I think they used to be the Capitals.
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