Perils of Homerliness

I was going over some of the week's football news. I had some free time with the Steelers on their bye week and, let's face it, cutting grass is not all that intellectually stimulating. I reflected on what a bunch of homers we have in the world of sports. Then I started thinking: we should break down and fully define a homer. What can I say? I was bored.

Before I begin, I have to state that I am a proud homer. I believe the Steelers are the best team in football, the Penguins are the best team in hockey and the Pirates are a team in baseball. I will defend the Big Doof until he either makes the Hall of Fame or is charged with something. In the first case, he would no longer need me coming to his defense. In the latter case, I would be happy to introduce him to his new friends on D Block. Even with my homerism, I thought this was really funny:

We all know that a basic homer is someone who really, and I mean really loves his or her sports team. Think Penn State fans or, inexplicably, Browns fans. Homers love their teams for better or for worse. In the case of Browns fans, for worser or for worst. Penn State gets absolutely lambasted by a good team. The next week they beat up on East Mumford Typing Academy and everyone talks about how the boys have turned a corner. This is the year Joepa gets another national title...until the Nittany Lions get their butts kicked again.

We see a lot of homerliness in the team blogs, naturally, and in the local news. I guess this is normal though, like in everything else, Philadelphia breaks the mold. Their homers kvetch at every opportunity. This past weekend, the Eagles travelled across the country and played a decent game against the 49ers. They came away with an exciting win. Instead of being happy for the home team, Philly sports writer Bob Ford wrote one of the most depressing articles about a win I've ever read. Chill out, dude! Your team won with your back-up franchise quarterback, who took the place of your redemption project quarterback who will never start, who took the place of your new franchise quarterback who wasn't all that good to begin with, who took the place of your old franchise quarterback who just whooped your team last week. Hmm. Maybe Ford has a point.

The ones I really love are the national pundits who change an opinion faster than I can change channels. For guys like Phil Simms, whoever is winning is the best team in football (I told you they were great!) unitl the other team pulls ahead (you know, their defense has some pretty big holes!) Romo and the 'Boys manage not to suck for one week and beat the Texans. Woohoo! We always knew Romo was that elite quarterback Jerry Jones promised he would be! Next week, CLANG! Romo falls back to Earth. (Speaking of Jerry J., was it way too much plastic surgery that gave his face that freaky, Joan Rivers look? I'd be afraid to let him near a tailgate party grill for fear his cheeks would melt off.) The Titans and Falcons put together some very good games and the TV genuises talk about them like they are the best teams on the planet. Why is it they never mention that both teams are only very good when not playing teams called Steelers? It was a smidge gratifying not to have to hear all that Chris Johnson 2500 yard season crap anymore. And to think, all it took was a 34 yard day of running into a guy named Timmons. CJ can still make his goal but he has to run for 387.3 yards per game to it.

Sadly, I continually bounce from station to station during the pregame shows to tune out, rather than tune in. I am still trying to figure the need to fill the opinionated ass slot for each of these shows. Do we really need football versions of Bill O'Reilly on every network? I have to flip channels every time those two tools, Irvin and Sapp, start yabbering on NFL Network. Prior to the Tampa Bay game, both were talking about how easy it would be to beat the Steelers D. "Just push them off the ball." "You can move the ball on the Steelers." I thought these guys were loud mouthed jerks when they were playing. And someone thought giving them a national pulpit was a good thing? ESPN: Keyshawn. CBS: Shannon. (though he is very knowledgeable, he bugs the crap out of me!) Fox: Terry. (Yeah, I know it is sacrilege but, sometimes, the guy just won’t shut up!) NBC: Is Keith Oberman still on? What an arrogant ass he is. I stopped watching because of him. NFL Network had to one-up the competion by putting two mouths next to each other. Can we please go back to Woodson and Terrel Davis arguing while Rich Eisen played the straight man?

All right, enough whining, back to football! MiniVan Gundy posted a great bit in preparation for the Steelers/Browns game this weekend:

Colt McCoy Obituary

I fully expect the Steelers to win easily. In fact, I expect every Pittsburgh receiver to catch at least one touchdown and Rushhard to set seven or eight rushing records. I conservatively estimate that the Big Doof will throw for 1409 yards, give or take. I heard a rumor that the NFL was instituting a Mercy Rule for this game. By the end of the second quarter, Woodley will be replaced by the beer vendor. Ike gets pulled in favor of the Sno-Cone guy (who actually snags two interceptions.) Polamalu has to walk on his hands and the line has to play without shoelaces. And we have to play with one of their crappy quarterbacks. That should even it up.

If we lose this game, I am SO toast!

By the way, congrats to the Penguins for laying an absolute slobberknocker on the Broad Street Bullies! Sid is the Man!

Et tu, Ed?



                Verily, TMQ, I have angered the Football gods

So, tell me, what was my downfall? Was it the fact that I used a cheesy George McFly picture? Was it the fact that I brought it up at all? All I did was predict that the Steelers would be undefeated and win the Super Bowl. The football gods chortled to themselves at the end of the game. I can just see them. "Hey, Phil, that Devlin guy just called for an undefeated Steelers season! Ha!" "Oh, cool, Sid! Let's make them get beat. By Baltimore. In Pittsburgh. Last minute catch in the endzone by Houshmazillie! That'll really rub it in!" (Right. Even the football gods can't spell Housyourmama.) "Oh, wait, Phil, let's give that jagoff, Ray Lewis, an interception to end the game!" Hardy har har, football gods. You got me. Can you please back off now? Go mess with the Jets. What a bunch of cocky slugs they are!

And you want to know who really let me down? The offensive line? No. They just couldn't get us a DAMN FIRST DOWN!!! Jeff Reed? No. He might have made one of those two kicks if the offensive line could have gotten us a DAMN FIRST DOWN!!! Charlie Batch? No. He was fine. Except when he ran into Flozell, who was busy not getting us a DAMN FIRST DOWN!!! No, I am saving all my angst for Ed Hoculi. I thought Mr. Big Guns was the man. I thought he was for truth, justice and the Black and Gold. I am not saying that the game was poorly officiated or that the officiating cost us the game. Our inability to get a DAMN FIRST DOWN!!! cost us the game. But why, in the wide, wide world of sports, was Michael Oher allowed to false start on every play? Was Ed thinking, "Dude, you have to go against Harrison. He's going to hand you your butt unless I even things up" or maybe "I wonder if he can introduce me to Sandra Bullock." Whatever the case, the Blind Side extended to the refs where that guy was concerned. I would pay good money to see some poor schlub have to block Deebo without an assist.

                              Hmmm......a referee conspiracy?
               Or did I get a penalty for giving him the business?

One of the things that really bugged me the past couple weeks is how niceness seems to be busting out all over. The Big Doof and our man, Ray, are texting each other for support. How nice. Potsie and Ray Ray are actually buds. Wonderful. T-Ocho are holding hands and being such good friends and everything is fine in Cincy. We really respect the Ravens cause they are such a fine, fine football team. Oh, yack! Are you people serious? Are you so afraid of leaving bulletin board material that you have to make up crap about a city and a team we hate? With the recent trend of bringing back old Steelers, can we please bring back Joey Porter? Can we get one guy in the NFL to call a scumbag a scumbag? Say what you want about Joey. The man talked smack then backed it up. I have a lot of respect for the guy.

I guess it is left to the fans. There is no way on God's green earth that I will give in. Ask me if there is anything good about Baltimore and I will tell you that I like the Inner Harbor. You can see all the boats and the water and don't have to look at the city. I'm okay with that. What good can we say about Cleveland. Um. Um. Nope, sorry, drawing a blank. I used to love the t-shirt that said, "The only sign of intelligent life in Cleveland:" and it had a picture of a highway sign with "Pittsburgh - 60 miles." In Cincinnati, they are still waiting for Carson Palmer to arrive. Yep, this is his year! Oops, wait, no, it's THIS year. I mean, this is the year. How long will this go on?

Actually, there was a great story out of Baltimore a few days ago. Remember when the Steelers released Byron Leftwich to free a roster spot for the weekend, then signed him again on Monday? The Rat Birds tried to do the same thing with Trevor Price. After he got cut, he drove north and signed with the Jets. How pathetic does your team have to be when players are defecting to other teams? I can see it now: road games will be like Russian cultural exchanges. Some big woman in a babushka, sitting on the team bus to keep players from escaping. Maybe a Checkpoint Charlie on the Jersey Turnpike for player exchange. Where will it end?


                      "Please to be taking your seat, Todd.
                      You cannot go play for the Vikings."

Honestly, I have a hard time busting on Cleveland and Cincy. There are only so many insults you can heap before it becomes old hat. It's just too easy and I end up feeling like the guy who picks on the goofy kid with glasses. As much as I hate them, the Ravens are a decent team (who get really lucky, now and then, and beat us.) They have some self respect so it is a fair exchange. Steeler fans are left with the option of picking on the Browns and the Clowns or go outside the division. Our choices are to go old school and hate teams who used to be in our division, like the Titans; hate the teams who dissed the Towel, like the Titans; or hate teams who just tick us off, like the Titans. We can hate on teams who passed on Ben, like the Chargers and the Giants; or teams with crappy, overrated quarterbacks, like the Chargers and the Giants; or teams who just tick us off, like the Chargers and the Giants. We can hate on teams who jump ahead of us in the draft to take Revis, like the Jets; or teams filled with snotty, obnoxious ex-Ravens, like the Jets; or teams who just tick us off, like the Jets.

You might notice a pattern. There is a reason I don't play fantasy football. It is very hard to field a team that consists only of Steelers, former Steelers who still speak well of the Burgh and players from the few teams who haven't ticked me off. Yet.