The Day The Mojo Died

I’m back. Yes, I am almost over the heartbreak of the Super Bowl and I am not quite suicidal anymore. It has been a very bad three months for us Pittsburgh fans. Huh? Three months, you say? The Super Bowl loss was a mere seven weeks, one day, 23 hours, 17 minutes and 47 seconds ago. What is this three months of which you speak? Let me tell you about the day it all went bad. The day the Mojo died.

January 1, 2011, started off as a wonderful day. We just spent a great week with the grandkids and settled down to watch the Penguins stomp on the hapless, hated Crapitals. This game was going to be great. The Pens were streaking; the Craps were sliding; the HBO series made our guys look unbeatable.

I guess Bugs Bunny was right. We should have turned left in Albuquerque which, in retrospect is kind of weird, because we really were in Albuquerque. It seems the hockey gods got together with the football gods and decided this Roger Goodell guy might be onto something. It was time to hate on Pittsburgh. Sports in the Burgh suddenly absorbed one hit after another on the way to catastophy.

Bam! The Pens stink out the joint in the Winter Classic and get their pucks handed to them.

Bam! Sid the Kid, Savior of the City, takes two savage hits to the head and is out indefinitely.

Bam! Geno Malkin goes out for the season with an injury.

Bam! Peter King writes some dumbass story about Goodell, skewers Ben, gets it wrong, tries to apologize but the damage is done.

Bam! The Bus gets left behind in the Hall of Fame Top Ten voting.

Bam! Dermontti Dawson gets left out of the HOF Top Five.

Bam! No Steelers in the Hall of Fame this year. How can that be?

Bam! The Pens are in freefall and topple out of first place with a rash of injuries and suspensions.

Bam! The Steelers get outplayed (DAMN IT! AARRGGHH!!) by the Packers.

Bam! We have to pretend to be magnanimous in defeat (DAMN IT! AARRGGHH!!) to the Packer fans.

Bam! Coaches get hired and we have to put up with another damn Harbaugh in the league.

Bam! The NFL season could be over before it starts.

Bam! Hines Ward is revealed as a contestant on “Dancing With The Stars.” Yeah, I’ll watch and even vote for the guy but I won’t like it.

Bam! Spring training opens and the Pirates prepare to tear out our hearts. Again. For the nineteeth year in a row. Why don’t you use a spoon this time, you bastards, and make it REALLY hurt?

Maybe I am a little further from recovery than I thought.

Fortunately for us all, there is a shining, bright spot in the gloom. The hockey gods stepped out for a beer and the Pens turned around their game in time to make the playoffs for the 168th consecutive season. That, of course, is a rough estimate as I did not actually do research for this bit. And, with the playoffs, comes Beard-A-Thon! This is it, boys and girls. This is the year I win it all and turn around this blight on our city.

Here is the deal. Hockey fans grow a playoff beard to support their favorite teams. As long as their team stays in the playoffs, the fans keep growing their beards. The masses (that’s you, in case you weren’t paying attention) pledge support for their favorite beard (like mine, for example) and make donations on the official site. Last year, Penguin donations went to the Mario Lemieux Foundation. (Seriously, you would say no to Mario? What kind of person are you?) When the best beard (say, mine, for example) wins by collecting the most pledges, the winner (i.e., me) gets tons of cool swag like jerseys, signed pucks and a cup of ice from the Igloo. If the winner is exceedingly cool (why, yes I am, thank you) he will auction off all of the cool swag and give that money to Mario's foundation.

So this, my friends, is the road to redemption. On March 27, 2011, the Penguins clinched a playoff berth and I stopped shaving. I will post updates, photos, corporate sponsorships, Aflac duck searches and the occasional super model party picture (SO very unlikely) on this page. Check back and help me Grow One For The Team!