Hibernating, 25 May 2010

We were talking at work today about why I don't like the Flyers. Have you noticed that every one of my posts has some variation of the phrase, "We were talking at work today?" Just because I work for the government, please don't get the impression that ALL I do is sit around, talking about sports. Sometimes, we talk about other things. Just kidding! Ha ha! Please don't tell the Government Accountability Office. Crap. I am so busted.

Actually, I have to burst your bubble about government slothliness. We multitask and, while we are saving the world from mean, nasty, ugly people, we yabber about all kinds of cool stuff. The other day, we talked about different callibers of ammunition. See what I mean? Fun Central!

So, back to the story at hand. The question is: here I am, a Pennsyltucky boy, born and bred. I should be thrilled that a PA team is in the Cup Finals. But.....not so much. I don't really have anything against the individual players on the Flyers. I am sure they are marginally nice guys who just have the misfortune to play for a crappy city. Let's put aside all the many, many reasons I don't like Philly, even the fact that Philadelphia is not Pittsburgh. I just can't cheer for a team with orange uniforms. Come on, now. Orange? Are you serious? Orange is just fine if you live in Syracuse. (Right. Don't ask me why. They kind of get into all that Orangeman stuff.) Only the worst professional teams have orange uniforms. Case in point: Cincinnati Bengals. The tiger stripe could be cool but not on a perennial loser team like the Bungles.

Oooh, wait! How about the Cleveland Browns? It is just sad when you name your team after a color and then get the wrong color. What happened that day? The decorator had a hangover? "Oh, I swear, Mr. Modell! Those uniforms were just the brownest brown when I colored them!" (Cleveland fans can all take a momentary pause to spit and curse Art Modell. Never letting THAT one go, are we?)

A friend brought up that the Knicks wear orange and are horrible but that goes outside of my sports range. I stopped caring about about basketball when the Pittsburgh Condors bit the big one and we had to endure that ridiculous "The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh" movie. Who in the wide, wide world of sports picked my beloved town for a movie starring Gary Coleman? Sheesh!

In fact, the one saving grace of the Pirates is that they have not shifted to an orange uniform. That tells me that someday, somehow, in a universe far, far away, the Buccos might not suck so much. I hope.

And all this comes back to the Flyers. They're from Philadelphia. And they wear orange. Yick. Guess I'll be a Blackhawks fan for a few weeks.

Hibernating, 18 May 2010

In case you were keeping track, the Canadiens won the first and last game in the Igloo. I am still pretty bitter about that last loss to them but I guess you can't blame the Habs. They were just playing good hockey while my beloved Pens were on a bus, en route to Schenctady. That is the only rational explanation. Some crazed Canucklehead hijacked the bus and headed north. Mario was desperate and found some guys with playoff beards to stand in for the players. I swear I bought a snowcone from the guy with Geno's jersey on. Seriously! Would I lie?

It's taken me a while to come around but I am a reluctant Habs fan. I want them to make it to the Stanley Cup Finals, though I really do not care who wins. I just really do not want to have the Flyers advance to the Cup. I am sure the Flyers players are just wonderful human beings, but the fans........ick. Not sure they are human beings. They are obnoxious when their teams suck (most of the time) but are on a different plane when their teams are good (almost never.) So...Philadelphia...talk about your quintessential armpit of the universe. I am trying to think of one good thing about Philly. Liberty Bell? Cool history but must have been made in Philly cause it broke the first time they used it. Ben Franklin? He went to live in England just to get away from the place. The nation's capital? Only for a bout a week and a half, till everyone realized they built in in Philadelphia, then ran like hell to DC. The Eagles? Ha! GO DONOVAN! I never thought I would cheer for the Redskins! Cheesesteaks? My cholesterol is too high, anyway. So, what's left? Teeming cesspool of urban blight? Well, that about sums up Philly.

Of course, it is only fair to mention that I was born and raised in Pittsburgh (once again voted the coolest place on Earth by everyone who votes on cool places.) This means that we Burghers are raised to believe Philadelphia is where they put all the people who are not good enough to live in Pittsburgh. This made perfect sense back then and I have no reason to change that opinion.

Of course, it is absolutely chapping my butt to know they shut out the Habs two games in a row. AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!! Come on, New Jesrsey! Grant my request an annex Philly! I'll help pack it's bags!

In the meantime, GO HABS!

Day 27, 13 May 2010

This is all that remains of the once-proud playoff beard! My Pens went down in flames last night so I was forced to pull out the razor. As depressing an event as that was, I can't be totally bummed out. Together, we raised $310 for my beard (yay, beard!) and more than $86,000 for the Mario Lemieux Foundation! Last time I checked, that was far and away the most money raised by any team. Obviously, Pittsburgh rocks! I want to thank all the very cool people who supported my beard. We ended up rank #47 out of 586 Bearders. Not too shabby. It gives me something to grow on next year. That's in addition to the actual face I will grow on, but I guess you figured that out.

With that said, though, today was brutal at work. Some folks were very polite and let me whine about how my team got their butts handed to them. My boss, who has been jabbing at me all season, passed on the opportunity to razz me one more time. Others were just caustic. One woman was cackling with glee because she hates Crosby. She clearly knows nothing about hockey. My proof? She's a Devils fan. It's not like they're a real team or anything.

So what is the deal with all the hate on Sid? He's a fantastic hockey player, even with a disappointing Habs series, and a genuinely nice guy. What's to hate? Is it jealousy that drives these potato heads? Lunacy? Idiocy? Open sea? Wait...where'd that one come from? Take my bud who is a Devils fan. No, seriously, take her. Maybe to the open sea. Leave her there. We won't mind so much! She hates Crosby because....are you ready?....Sid is the reason her goalie sucks!!!!!! Apparently, there is some cross-rink space continuum thing that I don't know about. The Schrodinger's cat of hockey: You put Crosby on the ice with your goalie and Sid scores seven goals. Would your goalie suck less if Sid was not on the ice? Maybe the goalie is crap all the time (like on the Devils) and Sid just exposed him. Maybe Sid is such a great player that he can make a good goalie look bad (though you can't prove that by Halak. Damn it!) Does the presence of one great hockey player change the nature of a goalie?

Admit it, this is why you read the blog. Where else are you going to get physics and hockey in the same blog? I'm like your very own educational toy! You are so very lucky.

A recent Facebook status paste for those too lazy to write one sentence says something like "I'm from Pittsburgh so I'm six Super Bowls, Three Stanley Cups and a Sidney Crosby cooler than you!" Makes perfect sense to me. I am not ready to climb on the Habs bandwagon and cheer for them, though I have a hard time working up a good hate for them. The Habs outplayed and outcoached the Pens. Because of that, they're moving on to glory while we mutter into our collective beers. Huh. I guess it wasn't so hard to work up a hate for them, after all!

I have to take a second here to thank the Penguins for a great season. Too bad it ended the way it did but I had a great time. I hope y'all did, too.

Day 25, 11 May 2010

I'm baaack!!! I had to take a few days off to get some actual work done and, while I was gone, the Pens did their best Caps impression. You know what I mean, right? That is where a bunch of really good hockey players collapse, look horrible and throw away a game. Not to worry, though, cause they'll get it right tomorrow and give my beard another two weeks to grow.

The beard is looking unbeatable now, too. Kind of like the grass in my back yard. It is getting so long it is going to seed. Pretty soon, I'll sprout chest hair. (That was my son's line but his playoff beard is wimpy so he isn't allowed to use cool lines. Sorry, bud!) We are moving up in the standings, too. My beard is at number 54. Not bad, but we can do a lot better. As we move into the Eastern Championship round, I need to start looking for corporate sponsorship to get into the top ten. I would be perfectly willing to paint little NASCAR logos on my beard. Anything for the kids! If you are a corporate bigwig and are looking for really cheesy advertising opportunities, we should talk. Did you see that peeps picture I posted? You can see that I am not above looking dopey for a good cause. Hair Club for Men? Touch of Gray? I'm game. Home Depot? Apple Computers? Your logos would look great stencilled in the beard. Another couple weeks and I'll be able to braid in those stupid beads for a Capital One commercial. Let's go, folks! The first one with a sizable donation gets beard space for the duration! Get on over to http://www.beardathon.com/ and pledge to beat the rush!

Okay, back to hockey. I met a guy who knows Habs forward Scott Gomez. If you don't know Gomez, he is a pretty decent player who would be great if only he could be a Penguin. So this guy grew up around Gomez, played school hockey with him, emails the guy regularly, goes to games now and then and.....is a Caps fan. What the hell is that all about? One of your buds makes it to the bigs, is a star on the team and is still cool enough to talk to you, yet you don't cheer for his team? I guess I could understand that if you regularly followed an awesome team like the Pens but, seriously, Washedupton? I get depressed, just thinking about it.

Everyone in DC is dancing around cause Oretchkin is leading Russia in some kind of second rate hockey tournament. Of course he is doing well. First, he hasn't had to play in a significant game, yet. Second, all the good players are still in the NHL playoffs!

I know the Pens follow this blog religiously (right, guys?), so go out there and dominate. My beard needs to grow!

Day 21, 7 May 2010

Happy Birthday to you

Happy Birthday to you

Happy Birthday, dear Face Hair

Happy Birthday to you!

Today my beard is three weeks old. I guess, in beard life, that qualifies as a birthday. I thought about smearing a cupcake on the beard to celebrate but decided that even I am not that weird. Instead, I gave it a good brushing. It sighed contentedly and settled down on my chin to nap.

Last night, I was watching the game and I got cold so I put a hoodie on over my Pens shirt. Right after that, the Habs scored a goal to tie the game. I thought, "Man, that was a bad break." A few miliseconds later, they scored again and I realized what caused this horrible event. I took off the hoodie and their scoring stopped. And that chain of events got me thinking. We all know there are football gods who cause your team to lose if you order stromboli instead of pizza, sit in the wrong chairs or forget to put on your lucky Bettis jersey. Why football gods care where I sit, what I eat or wear is beyond me. They invented the Curse of the Terrible Towel, though, so I don't mess with them.

There must be hockey gods, too, guiding the fates of teams around the NHL. Maybe they are just football gods who needed work in the off season. Case in point: My boss is a Caps fan. Voluntarily. Go figure. He is also a Cowboys fan and is thrilled that they finally won their first playoff since 1823. The point is that he follows teams that lose badly in the post-season. His March Madness bracket was not a pretty sight. I think he is a closet Phillip Rivers fan. He actually believes O-retch-kin is a better player than Sid.

After the Caps lost in a horribly embarrassing, history making way, I asked my boss if he wanted to jump on the Penguins bandwagon. He said he would root for anyone before the Pens, so he decided he would become a Red Wings fan. Bam! The Red Wings lost three in a row. I work with some pretty smart people who recognized the trend and began a campaign to get him to root for the Pens so they would lose. I confidently claimed the hockey gods were too smart to fall for that old trick. As I left work, the boss teased that he was going to give up on the Wings and cheers for the Pens.  And, of course, the Red Wings win and the Pens lose.

So.......either the hockey gods are dumb as stumps or they are real smartasses. Just in case, though, let me say this:  Dear hockey gods, HE WAS JOKING! HE HATES THE PENS! PLEASE LET US WIN AGAIN! I'll even pull out my old Back-to-Back Stanley Cup shirt, I swear! I'll bet the hockey gods would love that.

Enough foolin' around! Get on over to http://www.beardathon.com/ and pledge my beard!

Day 20, 6 May 2010

Oh, yeah! Everyone is getting into Beard-A-Thon! And I'm moving up in the standings. Thanks to everyone who donated so far. The rest of you are looking baaaaaaad! Ha! Goat jokes, I slay me!

My beard is number 60 in the standings, more than $3000.00 behind the leader. I figure that, if everyone who reads this donates one dollar and you get all of your friends to donate one dollar and they get the entire population of China to donate one...um...one fwang each, it should carry me over the top. What, you didn't know the fwang is the new prime currency in China? Get with the times! You can donate dollars or fwangs, pfennigs or kroups, but it only works if you get your buds to shed a sheckel, too.

At work today, we had a luncheon and most people were busting on my beard. I knew they were jealous but didn't let on because, admit it, this is one manly beard. The subject of this blog came up, one guy commented on how well I write and someone else agreed. Oh, yay, me! Then a higher ranking someone else suggested I could put all that skill to good use by writing a bunch of papers for the office. Yeah. So's now me think I should writ reel stoopid to getting out of werk. Dat's using my noggin!

Wow. I have to stop doing that. I could actually feel the brain cells die! A few days of that and I would be a Caps fan! Okay, stop reading and go pledge! http://www.beardathon.com/    What's a few fwang between friends?

Day 19, 5 May 2010

Not so many followers on this site, which is kind of disappointing. I thought I was going to be a big media darling or some such thing. If I recruit followers with multiple personalities, can I count them as more than one person? Hey, gotta buck up those numbers somehow!

I chose this charming self portrait to lead today's post, first because it was developed in Pittsburgh, but also because we need to talk about a serious subject. Yes, I understand that, if you wanted to read something serious, you wouldn't stop by my self-centered little yak fest (or yuk fest, as the case may be.) I am having a lot of fun but I grew the beard and start yabbering online to help beat cancer.

Every single one of us has been touched by cancer. We all know someone affected or killed by cancer. Many of us had to watch wonderful people wasted away by this horrible disease. But we have a chance to do something about it. Researchers have made tremendous strides in cancer study though there is so much more to learn. We have to hire the best and the brightest to beat cancer and that takes money. I routinely see people asking me to change my Facebook status to support the fight for cancer. That is great effort and it does a really nice job to raise awareness, but it well past time to move beyond talk. It is time to pony up and take a stand.

I know that I am a regular Don Quixote. No windmill is too tall for me to attack. I am going on the attack here, too. I am number 70 in the race to raise money for cancer treatment and a whole pile of cash seperates me from the leader. I want to win this contest so I can get all that cool swag, auction it and double the amount of our donations. I need you to help me do that. I will add to my donation every time the Pens move forward. I will put up posters at work (yes, in Caps territory!), decorate my car and advertise any way I can. Please consider chipping in to help. Five dollars; ten; whatever you can spare will help. I'll even take that 37 cents in grody pennies from the drink well in your car. Buy your coffee from the gas station instead of the Starbucks for a week and donate the $400 you saved. Go a few days without beer and...oh, wait...what was I thinking? Bottom line is that, working together, we can get this done.

For the Pens, for Mario, for all the loved ones who could still be here with us, let's make a difference.

Day 18, 4 May 2010

Okay, before we start, did you go to beardathon.com and pledge my beard? No? What's keeping you, sport? Looking this good is not cheap. Click yourself on over there and get it done. I'll wait.

Now that we got that out of the way, I have a small crisis. The beard is coming in very well and intimidating, just the way a playoff beard should look. In fact, I keep hearing a small voice saying something like, "That's One Sweet Playoff Beard" but I can't tell where the voice is coming from. My problem is that the color passed gray and went straight to white. The young(er) people at work say it looks "distinguished," which is young people speak for "Damn, man, you look old!" They're probably right. I'm ancient by Army standards. Many of the soldiers I work with weren't even born when I joined the Army and, of course, I hate them for that. No, seriously, I do.

Just kidding, soldiers! We're brothers in arms, standing strong against the darkness and all that. I learned a long time ago not to make fun of people with extensive weapons training. A friend calls our way of life Diplomacy Through Superior Firepower. Works for me.

So, back to the beard. It is seriously white and I have to wonder: Do I go all Emmitt Smith and use that cheesy coloring or leave it be? It's not like I need to impress the ladies. (Sorry, ladies. I know it's a disappointment but, after thirty years, the only thing likely to end my marriage is my refusal to shave. Oh, wait...) In the end, I will probably leave it au naturale, which is French for "That crap is super expensive and would make my beard feel like steel wool." Or something like that. I might have muffed the translation a bit.

Even my boss is getting used to the beard. He only tells me it looks ridiculous a couple times a day now, but I figure he's just grousing because his team got knocked out of the playoffs. Did I mention they lost in a horrible, history making collapse? I think they used to be the Capitals.

Anyway, I guess I should let the beard continue the way it is toward Super Beard status. You agree, right? I'm glad we had this talk. NOW GO PLEDGE THE BEARD!

Day 16, 2 May 2010

Devlin's beard here. After that ridiculous "Hanging with my peeps" line, I figured I should take over and send the guy to the bench for a bit. No cute pics today cause, let's face it, I'm a beard. Let's face it. Ha! Face jokes. Take that, Devlin! Yeah, I still look a little skragly but, by the time we get to the Stanley Cup, I will be one sweet playoff beard. I will petition to change the name of this blog to One Sweet Playoff Beard or OSPB for short. If we bring home Lord Stanley again, maybe I'll be able to stay around.

Looking around the league at my competition, there are some pretty nasty looking beards out there. What is going on here? Hockey is supposed to be a manly sport; everyone with no teeth and looking like the fat guy from The Hangover. Instead, we get a bunch of girly-man beards. I am not impressed. The bright side is that more people should be flocking to OSPB to raise some major coin for Mario.

Seriously, what is holding you back? Mario Lemeiux is The. Greatest. Hockey. Player. Ever. Knock off all the blah, blah, blah Gretzky talk about "The Great One." All Wayne ever did was beat everyone around him. Mario beat everyone around him AND cancer. Top that, Great One! So, when Mario comes asking for a little help raising some cash to beat back cancer a little further, you're going to say no? Come on, lightweight! Dig in and sponsor OSPB! Go to Beardathon.com and drop a couple bucks on Devlin. When he wins, he will auction off all the cool prizes and give that money back to the fight. The only one who loses here is cancer. How is that a bad thing?

Okay, I'll turn it back over to Devlin. He'll probably have some lame kitty cat video to share. Geesh!