Day 14, 30 Apr 2010

Hanging with my peeps. You'll notice they are all styling with playoff beards, too! Nothing but the best for our Penguins. Unfortunately a few of them didn't survive the post-game party. There was a horrible accident involving Hershey bars and graham crackers. And a microwave. Take my word that it wasn't pretty. It tasted okay, though, so let this be a lesson to you. Hockey is a rough sport. It's dog eat dog out there. In here, it's man eat peeps.

Things got interesting at work today. It's hard to believe that people in DC are not ready to accept the Pens as the superior hockey team. They are still bitter about something. When I tried to get some Caps fans on my beardwagon, my boss actually said he would root for the Red Wings. Now, what kind of poor sportsmanship is that? Your team chokes in a monumental, history making way and you want to jump to a whole different conference? Where is the sense in that? To make matters worse, my boss said my beard makes me look like a homeless guy. Yeah, sure! I dress WAY better than homeless guys.

I actually heard more Sindy Crosbaby jokes today. My standard reply to those comments is that O-retch-kin has lots more time to think up witty names since he's at home on the couch for the rest of the season. So much hate for the Burgh. I just don't get it. They all must be jealous. Is it our fault we have the best hockey team, the best hockey players, the best football team, the stupidest quarterback? Even our baseball team sets records every year. Think about it. You have to look pretty far to find a "professional" sports team that posted 426 consecutive losing seasons. Purists will whine that baseball hasn't been around for more than 375 years. Okay, got it, but I have it on good authority that they also lost the French and Indian War. Man, they need a winning season!

Day 13, 29 Apr 2010

Okay, folks, status change time! Tomorrow, my beard hits two weeks old. That means it is a real beard and gains full beard rights. No more sitting at the little kid's table for this beard! Pretty soon, it will be able to go off on it's own on Friday nights. Crap! I'll bet my car insurance will go up again!

My beard has put up with a lot of abuse from all the soldiers and military civilians at work. This week was pretty easy, though. I went to a Cyber Conference. If there is one place a skraggly old beard fits in it's with a bunch of cyber geeks! My beard was deleriously happy since there wasn't a "high and tight" to be seen. I'm pretty sure I was the dumbest guy in the room. Everyone else was scary smart but some of these cyber wizards don't have the best fashion sense. In their defense, there wasn't a single Metalica t-shirt. My saving grace was that, although I didn't have the brains, I had the cool beard so they let me stay.

Okay, let's get serious. Now that I have an official beard, we have to talk about fund raising. I am growing this thing for a reason. It's time to put your money where my beard is. Go to beardathon.com and lay down a couple bucks on my profile. We need to raise a ton of money for Mario's fund. He grows a cheesy beard but he runs a great charity (not to mention the best team in hockey.) We need to help the guy out. I grew the beard; let's grow some donations!

Day 12, Apr 28 2010

First of all, congratulations to the Canadiens. I missed most of the game but the last eight minutes was very exciting. Just so you know, today was the last day I would be a Habs fan. Now, they're the enemy!

We were talking at work about which team I would like the Penguins to face next. My best case is for the Pens to win (obviously) and the Bruins to beat the Flyers so the Pens and Bruins would face each other in the Eastern Finals. One guy actually asked if I wanted the Canadiens to win because I was worried about facing the Capitals. Oh, please! Should we really be worried with Alexander Overrated on the ice? Has this guy ever won a big game? He's like the Phillip Rivers of hockey: looks great during the regular season; gets his butt handed to him in the post season. About this point of the conversation, the Caps fans will say that Alex OhmyGodcan'twinabiggame isn't the only guy on the team. Yeah. Got it. I'll bet 99 out of a hundred Caps fans couldn't name five guys on their team who aren't named Ovechkin.

Last year's series with the Pens and the Caps was really great hockey until game seven. Somebody please explain how the home team gets lost on the way to their own rink? At least, I think that is what happened cause the Caps sure had a team of scrubs on the ice that night. Go ahead and make Cindy Crosbaby jokes while your players watch the games at home.

I will have a hard time working up a good hate for the Habs. They were sure playing their hearts out over the last couple games. Is it possible to hope they do well but still get their butts kicked?

(Special thanks to to Daniel Höcherl for the great photo.)

Day 11, 27 Apr 2010

Flyers market, my ass! One of the few downsides about living in central Pennsylvania is being told which sports teams I have to like. In the heart of Steeler Country, the local affiliate plays Ravens games. Come on! Does anyone watch Ravens games voluntarily? I am not sure I could ever be that desperate to see a football game. For hockey, the powers that be decided central PA is obviously a Flyers market. The local newspaper covers girls softball tryouts before they print a word about Pittsburgh sports. Let Ryan Howard get a hangnail, though, and it is front page news. Oh, yack! Not only am I not a Flyers fan (or an Eagles fan, or Phillies, or Sixers, or Soul, or whatever), I am trying to convince New Jersey to annex Philadelphia. I figure it is an easy way to make Newark look good by comparison.


What really got me going about this was that Dick's Sporting Goods, a company based in Pittsburgh, does not carry Penguins gear in the local Harrisburg stores. They tell me that each store is forced to buy regionally and they have to support Philly teams. The manager said he had to fight to get Steelers gear after they won a Superbowl. I tried to buy a hat after the Stanley Cup and went to seven stores before I found any Penguins gear at all. How hard would it be to to support two teams from the same state? I am no marketing whiz but this does not sound too tough to me. Thanks to my cousin, Don, for hooking me up with the cool Pens sign from the Pittburgh Dick's store.
If the Canadiens win tomorrow night, we should face the Flyers in the next round of the playoffs. Oh, yippee. I really think Dean Wormer was talking to Philly fans when he said, "Son, fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life."

Day 10, 26 Apr 2010

Round one of the playoffs is drawing to a close. A few teams have already been eliminated and more are on the line tonight. I've read comments from other Playoff Beardians, wondering what happens once the Penguins or some other team knock their team out of contention. Do they have to shave off their beards? Think about it. You can get pretty attached to a beard in a couple weeks. My beard and I have become pretty tight. We go everywhere together. My beard even stores bits of food for me, in case I need a snack. What a pal!

What to do? Is there a way you can keep your beard? The answer is simple: Dude, this is why they make bandwagons. If you want to be a temporary Penguins fan, great! We'll take you. Bring your friends, too. If there is one thing we know about in Pittsburgh, it's how to build honking big bandwagons. If you don't believe me, check out the stats from last year's Stanley Cup parade through the streets of Pittsburgh. Eighty-two billion people showed up. You read that right. We were pulling in extraterrestrials and people from Vermont. Come to think of it, we have extra space on the Steelers bandwagon these days, if you're interested.

We all do the part-time fan thing. I cheer for the Penguins and anyone who plays the Caps. (I don't like the Caps. Live with it.) You can get by, just cheering for the Pens, but that level of support is beneath your standard hockey fan. I don't expect you to run out and get Pens gear, unless you are really into it. Instead, you can do a Dane Cook thing. Print off one of those really cool Penguin logos and tape it over your team's logo. Come on! You only have to keep it on till the Finals!

Day 8 1/2, 24 Apr 2010

Way to go, Pascal Dupuis! Not only does he score the series winning goal, he has one sweet playoff beard growing! Moving on gives my beard the time it needs to reach superbeard status. Go, Pens!

Day 8, 24 Apr 2010

Last night I learned that Beard-A-Thon goes across the NHL. Big news! So any fan of any playoff team, even the crappy ones, can grow a playoff beard for charity. How cool is that? (Note to women capable of growing playoff beards: please do not post pictures.) When your team gets knocked out, by the Pens or another team, feel free to proclaim yourself a Pens fan. We have a really big bandwagon!

I don't want it to appear I am all mysoginistic or anything. Women are certainly welcome to join in. If you do not want to sponsor my beard, maybe we could have a Leg-Hair-A-Thon. Why not? I'm sure there are weirder things on the internet.